it ended before it began | drafts | july 7 2017

you turn around to leave
i hold your hand
gripping, tightly, desperate

i look at you, eyes pleading
…don’t go, don’t leave, stay with me, I need you

tilting my chin upwards
you cup my face, gentle, in your hands
leaned in and kissed me ever so tenderly on my lips

then you stared into my eyes
conveying words your lips won’t speak
I can’t stay

and then
a forehead kiss.

that moment I knew
you would never love me
you would never stay

i watched you walk away
tears streaming down my face
knowing that
that would be last time
i would ever see you

it ended before it began.


i want to surrender to the sweetness of giving up | drafts | september 8 2016

my mind is blank, no feeling in my soul

i can’t feel nada, devoid of any emotion.

the tears flow but I really have no bloody idea why I’m crying

after months and months of psychological abuse

i’m beginning to think I live in a dream. or maybe, I am crazy.


but i know I’m not crazy, I’m not.

that’s the argument we have every day, my heart and my head.


is it possible to truly be loved,

truly, truly be loved?

is it possible to be looked in the eyes and feel like you’re drowning?

is it possible to be held so tenderly and feel like your heart is going to explode each time?

is it possible to be loved continuously, 7 days a week, 30 days a month, 365 days a year?

is it truly possible?


i don’t know.

because I have never been there.

my heart has been trampled so many times

that the masking tape holding the pieces together is wearing out.

the pieces I watch, fall off.

sometimes I have the strength to pick it up and piece it back

often times I can barely bend down to pick it up

so I leave it wherever it falls.


but why the hell does love even matter?

i have asked this question times without number

no answer. that should have been enough proof not to get married

but i fucken did

and i am paying the price.

fucking asshole, bloody motherfucker.

he played me yeah? played with my mind! jeez! he is good and the motherfucker is still doing it!


you see,

i got so many holes in my heart.

holes that once held some pieces of my heart.

i’m weak but I find that my spirit is strong

so that keeps me going.

i push, I trod on. i keep on moving.

fighting, pushing, willing my heart not to give up

seeking hope to look forward to what i think is an illusion.

holding on to faith, wavering sometimes. unwavering other times.

but i still stand

i still stand.

but standing really really does take so much from me

i am tired standing sometimes

i want to give in to the fatigue that has ravaged my soul

i want to surrender to the sweetness of giving up

i feel trapped, sometimes i can’t breathe, panic attacks

i have held it in for so long

i had let the abuse wrap its arms around my soul like a lovers embrace

i want to escape but i can’t seem to

i know i need to run away but my feet freezes each time i try

i’ve got to face myself.


my body is weak, but my spirit is strong.


i bloody don’t want to be positive

but looking on the bright side has brought me this far

dreaming it, believing it, gives me the strength to push to make it happen

i can’t help myself.

i still beleieve in better days.

footnote: December 09, 2021. I did escape, 2018, barely, with my life. My mental health shattered. The abuse had also become physical - mental, psychological and physical. But I escaped! And yes. The days are getting better.

regret | drafts | december 8 2014


i don’t know if it’s that time of the year, but when I put my head on the pillow, I am flooded with the “What if’s”, “I wish I had”, “I wish I did not’…

thoughts of my past and worrying about the future.

i regret so many things. getting hurt by other people. other people hurting me. and me hurting myself. these thoughts of regrets drive me crazy, mess up my mind and sometimes keeps me from moving on.

the past few days it was getting too much and I knew it had to stop but I didn’t know how.

so, I prayed…

God is such a show-off!

Can you imagine wiping the canvas clean every 5 seconds and painting a new skyline? A different colour palette every👏🏾 single👏🏾 time 👏🏾. Whew!

01 – 02 – 2021



Lions Head – 5.19 am
Lions Head – 5.34 am
Lions Head – 5.58 am
Lions Head – 5.56 am
Lions Head – 6.01 am
Lions Head – 6.18 am
Lions Head – 6.28 am
Lions Head – 6.28 am
Lions Head – 7.34 am
Lions Head – 7.34 am

Pictures: taken with iPhone 6

Location: Cape Town, South Africa

you FOUND me

hold my hand.
we’re taking a walk.
in the cool of the night.

the joke was so funny!
i look at you and smile,
i see it in your eyes, and my heart flutters.

… oh dear …

one of them oldies.
i look up and i see,
it’s a full moon today.

you draw me close to you, arms around my waist
and we sway to the song only both of us hear,
beneath the full moon.

my heart…
i find it so hard to believe,
i’m really trying…

you hold my face in your hands
your lips grazing mine, softly
you look deep into my eyes.
and tell me, it’s true.

i look back into your eyes,

fleeting memories

I just want
the days to turn to weeks
and the weeks to months
because as time flies
so will the memory of you diminish
and our time together will just be

fleeting memories

of a time
I believed those words
‘I want to be your friend too’
I let my guard down
I let my heart beat
I opened up my body to receive

of a period
I went all in
never expecting same back in return
it was exhilarating, painful and beautiful
all at once

but in all this
I still learned
that as humans
we do hope
to be liked
to be respected
to be desired
to be seen
and maybe, just by happenstance
to be loved
in return
no matter how we deceive ourselves
that it doesn’t matter

and I also learned that
if someone really does like you
just for who you are
and not for what they get
if someone really sees you
no matter what went down
they’d make an effort
really really try
to make that friendship work

what can be. what could have been.

seasons gone by
winter to spring
summer to fall
still, nothing has changed.
my heart beats faster even more
it …
that …
grows …
with every new day that comes.

Oh  .   My  .   God!

I T .  I S  .   B E A U T I F U L !

my heart sings.
steps lighter.
laugh easily.
everything beautiful.
nothing else matters, but you.

only but a dream,
what can be.
what could have been.
what would never be.

could it get any crueler …, this?
what is this?
what this is?

does it make any sense?
all this?
whatever it is?
what i think it is?
but maybe it is not?

it hurts,
really does.
knowing that,
what can be.
what could have been.
may never ever be.

but still,
it’s beautiful!
my heart sings!!
steps lighter!
laugh easily!!
everything beautiful!
nothing else matters, but you.


we’ve fist bumped

argued together

screamed at each other

held on tight through the night

cuddled me to sleep, speaking sweet words of comfort in my ears

when i fall, hands stretched out, to pick me up

we’ve danced like crazy

arms flaying in the air, with abandon

shared jokes only we understand, hollering with laughter that comes from deep within

my worst, always there, just sitting and listening to me as I scream obscenities, sometimes, screaming with me too

held me as i wept

my good, right there too, cheering me on, prancing up and down with excitement, shouting so loud with pride

whatever name i call him/her/who/whom

he, she, God, universe, man, woman, lover, friend, papa, mama, brother, sister, air, fire, water, nothing

still here

filling me up






in the stillness, in the chaos

still here,

never leaving.

It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done.

“The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!”

― Shannon L. Alder

if you knew you could not fail, What Would You Attempt to Do?

Dreaming is never enough! You have to take the first step even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone.

Procrastination kills more dreams than failure ever will. Trust me! I know! I’m still dealing with that evil habit! Deal with fear!

Fear is the BIGGEST obstacle to pursuing your dreams. It is crippling and will steal your dreams from under you- you won’t even know when it’s gone. Fear makes you tell yourself that you’ll go after your dreams when you have acquired more skills, or more money, or more time, but the truth is, that will never happen. Only when you can finally move on from your fears and recognise how it is holding you back, then can you begin to move forward.

Ask yourself this question,

“What Would You Attempt to Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail?”

So what are you waiting for? Take that first step today!

guest post on Jagabeauty Blog

from Me to You… JUST LET IT GO


it’s been 10 days, 10 months, 10 years
really not that long though…
They say time heals all wounds…hmm… humbug!
such bollocks –tsk– who said that again?
Whoever it was must have been high on cheap weed when he said that.


there are some things time never heals, you know?
But what I think is that you make a choice and decide to move on
You go on and get busy with life
whatever it is you do -Job, School, Church…
you meet new people, have new hobbies, travel…
but if that thing, person or event really did matter to you, it will stay with you forever
There’ll always be places, songs, gestures, words, pictures, poems…
that will always remind you of who or what used to be.

Let Go.

in time, the tears will flow less frequently till they stop
the pain will ache so badly till it numbs out
you’ll come to a realisation that there’s nothing you could have done about it
and you’re comforted by His words
His words that say He is not going to bring to you that which you can’t handle
and you draw strength from that wisdom
looking forward to each new day, knowing that no matter what you’ve lost
you can’t afford to lose your joy, your faith and most of all your hope
You may never know why it happened or what went wrong
you just come to that realisation that you must let go – JUST LET IT GO.


you must make a conscious effort – this you must do by choice
so whether you like it or not, wake up every day
believing that something wonderful is going to happen in each day
and when the storm comes and the wind don’t blow your way
adjust your sails and move in another direction into a new adventure


Live each day to the fullest.
Love like you’ve never loved before.
Sing and dance with abandon like you just don’t care.
Do something!
Just decide to be happy… Ecstatically Happy!


I don’t promise you the pain will go away
or that sometimes the tears will not flow without warning
and that you will always be spiritual when life challenges confront you
I don’t promise that you won’t blame yourself
wondering if there was something, anything you could have done
to have avoided that tragedy or that mistake
I still cannot promise you that sometimes you won’t question Him, asking why He allowed it to happen
and, you may never get the answer to that question!
I also can’t promise you that you won’t often wonder whether you should have fought for what you believed in-
Isn’t that what they said? The wise ones?
“Go after your dreams?”
“When the going gets rough, don’t give up?”
“If you don’t go after what you want you’ll never have it?”
“Don’t quit, every difficulty is an opportunity in disguise?”
Seriously, the wise ones who came up with these quotes forgot to put a disclaimer at the bottom-
“Terms and conditions apply”
because really some of these affirmations do not apply to every situation


But this one thing I can promise you
that His plans for you are good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope!
I can also promise you that He’ll never leave you or forsake you
And this I am so certain of, and can promise you, without blinking – that – HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH!
And that will never, ever change

the Jacaranda secret

I turned around and there you were


i froze.

a million thoughts went through my head in that nano second,

a wave of emotions swept through my body at that instant,

time froze, everyone faded away,

it was just you and me in the room.



i came back to reality when I heard my name

only you called me that name

i saw the confused look on your face

i was with him, you were with her

and all I wanted to do was run into your arms.


You take a step forward then you saw the fear in my eyes, you stopped

i glanced away

this hurt…

so much.


Just then, another wave of emotion went through my body

like ice water being poured over me

i was cold, I felt cold, I went cold.


I looked back up, you were still staring at me

she was staring at you confused, he was staring at you angry, his hand gripping my arms tight

it hurts… where his hand gripped me, it hurt badly.



it was almost a whisper, but I heard you

even though you were so far away.


Our eyes met, I smiled, you smiled, you know, I know, we knew…

the jacaranda tree held our secret,

no one has to know, no one needs to know, no one is going to know.


That secret binds us together, no matter who, what, where or when.



I’m going to have a lot of questions to answer to when I get home

but the jacaranda secret will go with me to my grave.